Binnies "How to make a bomb" lessons for wanna-be terrorists

Lesson 1 - The Suicide Bomb

Hello, my name is Ahmed and I will be your instructor today.
You will each be required to bring the following resources to class.

CLASS MATERIALS LIST:

1. 6kgs Mutton Fat
2. 1 Roll of Duct-tape
3. 1 Box of Kleenex Tissues
4. 8 Sticks of TNT
5. 1m of Fast-burn Fuse
6. 1 Disposable Cigarette Lighter
7. 1m of string
8. 1 set of Dentures

Okay - Everybody paying attention.

STEP 1. Preparation

Place the 8 sticks of TNT together in a bundle.

Taking the roll of duct-tape in your right hand, grasp the bundle TNT sticks firmly with the left hand.

Proceed to wrap a single row of duct tape around the bundle of TNT, being careful not to overlap or get wrinkles in the tape.
(NOTE: It is most important that you get no wrinkles in the tape!)

Quickly insert the Dentures into your mouth and tear off the tape using the teeth.

Repeat the process at the other end of the bundle, remembering NO wrinkles!

STEP 2. The Fuse

Remove the Dentures from your mouth and wipe dry with the Kleenex tissues.
(Wipe the Dentures dry, not your mouth Omar)

Lay the Fuse out on a hard surface, and using the DRY dentures, proceed to cut it into 8 equal lengths.

Carefully insert one end of each piece of fuse into each stick of TNT so that each stick has its own fuse.

Harun please insert fuses into the SAME ends of the TNT bundle you fool.

Now carefully twist the free ends of the fuses together, so as to form a single common fuse.

This is the difficult part of bomb making complete.

STEP 3. The Detonator

Take the disposable cigarette lighter, and remove any "child safety" devices protecting the flint roller.

Grasp the lighter firmly in the left hand, pick up one end of the piece of string with the right hand, and proceed to wind several turns of string around the roller, using the left thumb.

NOTE: Do NOT wind more than 100mm on to the roller else it may jam and your bomb may miss-fire.

Okay - That's all the "delicate" stuff out the way, now we move on.

STEP 4. Final Assembly

Remove all undergarments, folding carefuly and place within reach

Proceed to rub the 6kgs of Mutton fat into the rectal area, paying particular attention to the edges.

Wipe the excess mutton fat onto the blank end of the TNT bundle being careful not to contaminate the fuses.

Insert the (blank end first) TNT bundle into the rectal cavity with one swift shove, ascertaining the fuses are free from this environment.(Now you see why we say NO wrinkles Abdul)

Carefully clean ALL excess mutton fat from the surrounding area with the kleenex tissues, and save the used tissues. (We will be using them again later on in this lesson)

STEP 5. Priming

Place the disposable cigarette lighter (nozzle facing down) between the Buttocks and clench firmly between the cheeks.

Pay particular attention that the fuse is in proximity to the flint roller and gas discharge nozzle of the lighter.

It may be more comfortable to remove some excess hair with the dentures prior to this step.

Carefully take up the loose end of the string (Being very careful not to tug on it) and drape up your back and over the left shoulder.
(The right shoulder may work equally as well, but we have had no feed-back on this.)

Replace undergarments and get dressed, removing all traces of mutton fat with Kleenex and placing used tissues on the heap.

STEP 6. Arming

Quickly insert dentures back into mouth.

Place free end of string between teeth and grip, all the time remembering to clench buttocks firmly so as not to dislodge the disposable lighter.

Depending on the environment you may now proceed to steps 7 OR 8 but not both.

STEP 7. Basic Detonation

When confronted by infidel security they will invariably stop your progress and ask for your identification.

Remembering to keep buttocks clenched, simply respond by shaking your head vigorously

Step 8. Advanced Users Detonation

Extreme impact can be achieved by swallowing 200 marbles (Prior to detonation Amit) and then swallowing the previously saved greasy Kleenex as wadding.

This will help disguise the marbles as sheeps testicles if you are x-rayed by security and prevent rattling as you walk.

REMEMBER: Always walk, never run as it is very had to remain "clenched" when running.

For best results, swallow wadding before inserting dentures as in Step 6.

Shake head vigorously.

GOOD LUCK. Class dismissed.